Emmanuel

Christmas...

For most of my teenage and adult years Christmas was just another day, like a Friday or Monday or even Tuesday. The whole holiday cheer had lost its "magic" if you will. It was no longer something that I anticipated or "felt".  Perhaps because it had become so commercialized or maybe as a kid Christmas was all about the anticipation of presents and all the other things about the  significance of this holiday became peripheral or maybe because my perspective on life had a very radical change when I gave my life to Christ when I was 17 yrs old.  Who knows? 

 However, recently I had a revival of sorts when I was in a panic to find a song idea to sing at church for a Christmas themed service. I happened upon this video while frantically searching youtube for ideas and was immediately captivated by it but thought it would be too hard to sing to specifically because every time I heard it I immediately heard Josh Groban in my head and I am not that type of vocalist, far from it. However being that there weren't any other options available I was forced to do this one. (I think with some Divine nudging as well) Up until this point I had never heard the song O Come Emmanuel and was totally unfamiliar to the rhythm of it, so I copied the lyrics and put the video on my ipod so I could "absorb it" in a rapid fashion... a few days really. 

What happened as a result was God got a hold of my heart again through the music, video and lyrics and reminded me once again of the reason.  The reason to believe, to fight, to live, to forgive and to love and to allow  myself to be forgiven and loved... Emmanuel, the fulfillment of God's promise to me, to us... Emmanuel, "God with us" 

Anyway if you take the time to read this and watch the clip I hope that it blesses you as it has blessed me.

Merry Christmas guys!!!

Ken  

A New Day

It's the dawn of a new day at camp

And in the dim light of the morning

I can hear the coyotes howl

And I can hear the birds sing

I can hear the hoot of the owl

And the silent breeze go by

Creating a delightful chorus of drifting music

That enlivens me inside

I see the golden rim of the sun

Slowly, slowly rising

And I greatly wish for it to show

So that it may shine its radiance upon

This earth once again

I feel the rush of the wind
As this beautiful nature enchants me
And I listen...
I listen to the wilderness sounds
Then suddenly silence settles in

Behold, the great ball of fire

Appears from beyond the mountains
And Earth's magnificent beauty is finally revealed

Then giving me the strength

To begin a new day

At last, I am off on my auburn horse

I am free once again

To ride over endless desert

Back to my home again

Written By Anessa Cherisse Johnson 10/31/2010

Current state of mind...

Originally penned 7/28/10

For some reason I am feeling a bit depressed. Actually that is an understatement, thoughts of suicide once again and quite frequently have been tip-toeing through my  consciousness like an uninvited party crasher.  I would love for it to be accurate in saying that depression is to me what Pauls' thorn was to him but I cannot, I can't even begin to say that I have an abundance of revelation or the intellect, capacity and depth that the Apostle Paul had. I guess then what I am left with is the explanation of being a normal guy with an abnormal malady.

I think the source of it this time around is the fact that I don't have a regular full-time job. This is beggining to make me feel like I am defective. I've heard that success and the degree to which a man provides for his family is a source of strength and Identity. If this be the so, then my reserves are ebbing and I am feeling rather crappy.

Emotions are so hard to deal with, if I act happy when I don't feel it I begin to then feel like a hypocrite. However I feel like a faithless, weak and therefore worthless man when I don't "man up" and wrest control of my emotions.

I am beginning to suspect that this is having a wearying effect on my wife as well. I wonder what it's like from her perspective? I wonder how she sees me when I am like this, I wonder if she, if in a measure begins to a the very least lose a modicum of respect for me? I've heard it said that respect is a prerequisite or factor to love and admiration in a spouse.  How must I act then in times like these? Really the only reason to live is for her and my children, at times like these I could care less  for myself.  Matter of fact if it weren't for her and the kids I would probably make an atttempt at it (at least that's my current state of mind)

I personally believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is a purpose for everything, good and bad but seriously I'm beginning to wonder what is the purpose for these feelings? I've recently aquired a book which is helping me to see the positive purpose for which melancholy can be wrested. It's titled "Lincoln's Melancholy" and it is very enlightening as to what Lincoln personally wrestled with and the gracious, dignified way with which he lived with it.

Anyway, this too shall pass I'm sure. Just another wave that I need to ride out as usual and then evaluate the A.A.R and make my adjustments.

I'll be alright...

Fly away...

Lonely morning, you know she's doing alright

about as good as a girl can be when she's been crying all night

The pain it surrounds her, awakened by a silent scream

when her baby was sucked away, into the killing machine

A single man, he's only got one beloved son

the boy is in the big cold gears as the man sees the train come

The bridge it's got to come down but to do that the boy will die

He's crushed... and a father in tears as the train goes safely by

Don't it make you want to cry?

Don't it make you want to fly away?

Don't it make you want to cry and fly away?

Tragedies in life leave you broken and confused

don't know which way to turn

Let me tell you of the One who loves you

A man was chosen and beaten black and blue

He died on the cross and shed His blood so He could bring hope to you

Will you receive Him and give Him your life today?

He'll forgive you and He'll make you whole and wash your sins away.

It'll make you want to cry.

It'll make you want to fly away, God's love

It'll make you want to cry, fly away and be free...

Written by Kenneth L Johnson

@ the door...

Lost in a sea of degredation, guilt it weighs you down

Don't know which way to turn, despair?... despair my friend.

And you wonder how did it end up this way, dreams and hopes are dashed

like the water that crashes the shore, life slips away

as the sand through your hand, as the raging seas

you weep and you rend, "when will the madness end!!! When will the madness end?!?"

But He stands at the door of your heart, end the pain, end the rain and let Jesus in

Sweet redemption, Amazing grace... how sweet the sound.

Written by Kenneth L Johnson

Forgotten for the moment, remembered forever...

                     

Life gets busy and we forget for the moment good friends and family.  When their lives end we remember again only to forget eventually but just for a  moment... don't you, forget about me.

Who's to blame? Individuals and individual choices or collective situations and a collection of voices. They all coalesce into a crescendo of distraction like an auctioneer vying for attention.

Forgotten forever after you've been remembered for the moment, the pyramid of life has room only but for those we have chosen. At the top you see for it gets narrower as you ascend, as does life when getting nearer to the end. There's room but for a few, it does not broaden as romantics would say that we get more and more close friends at the end of the day.

So why despair? Why fret over what surely will be as the ebb of the tide and the flow of the sea? Why concern yourself with meaningless things, when what really matters is that HE will remember...

Written by Kenneth L Johnson


 "And He said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when you comest into thy Kingdom. And Jesus said unto him, verily I say unto thee, Today thou shalt be with me in paradise."  Luke 23:42-43

Shortcomings...

Everyone has their shortcomings, even the critic can be critiqued. The question and the reality boil down to this, "which are you willing to tolerate over others?"


Perfection void of relativity on this side of eternity is a goal not an actual destination. None of us traveling that narrow road has arrived but are in a state of arriving - but by HIS grace.

Self Help...

Self-help, It has never worked for me. God-helped has been everything though. I am by nature clueless. I've still but a 9th grade education, so then what I have and have accomplished (that has lasted) is not by my great hand but by His great grace.




Grace:
#1. Divine enablement or empowering.
#2. Divine unmerited favor.

My Son...

Wasn't that long ago that he was just an infant in my arms breathing his first breaths or so it seems. Next he'll be off to college, pursuing a career and then married with kids of his own.

Everytime I look at him I marvel at the young man he has become and the man he is becoming. He is such a good hearted boy, thoughtful and considerate the kind of kid that I would have been fast friends with.

I often wonder what it will be like the first time he brings a girl home to meet Angela and I or when he starts to drive.  I even rehearse what kind of advice I'll give him when he starts to consider the next step in life. 

 And to think that 18 years ago my life's path was so far removed from this end result.

Am I fortunate? Yes and a resounding No...Rather I'm loved and blessed by Him who promised to "never leave me nor forsake me" and for what? What did I do to merit that? Nothing at all, believe me, quite the contrary, in fact, It is because HE IS and that is all the reason I need, to borrow the phrase it is "...all my reasons."

If everything goes as planned he'll be gone in four years, off to blaze a trail of his own.  My son Keinan, "the little ancient one who acquires."*

                                                                                     

*Origin:Gaelic

 Meaning:Descendant of Cathán; little ancient one

קֵינָן Qenan, Qênān, Kenan, Keinan. "Buyer; owner." Masculine.

Do you see what I see?

Do you see what I see?

 Beauty is in the eye of the beholder this much I'll say is true

 for I saw the beauty of a thousand sunsets the day that I met you

and the things I see today so clear embodied in yours so fine

a lover, a friend, mother and wife a woman from God, divine...

so tell me, as you look upon this mirror I have made craftily

take a look, a long gaze into those lovely eyes pray tell...

do you see what I see?

Written by Kenneth L Johnson

I Love You...

I Love You...

You infuse me with strength, encourage me to try again

You empower me to fly by believing in me and why

you love me is a mystery

Something I'll never know, the reflection I see in your eyes

Seems to glow with a hue of gold.

For all that you are to others and all you are to me

My bride, my joy, my lover... my everything

For all the love and compassion I see in you and for all the things you do

I say these three words to my God given treasure...

I... Love... You

Written by Kenneth L Johnson

Son of a B----?

As I type this, 35 years ago I would’ve been 15 minutes old. The doctors would’ve been cleaning me up and the nurses would be hovering over me doing their job. Soon I will be brought to my mother all wrapped up and she probably held me and looked at me lovingly… perhaps, I don’t know, I don’t remember.

What I do know is that after 35 years I still don’t know the woman, I’ve never had a face to face encounter with her that I can recall and I’ve never ever received a birthday card, phone call or even a post card saying I’m here in so and so having a great life without you.

Anyway this is my journal entry as it was written in its purest, uncut, unadulterated form. In it you will find crass, rude and perhaps very offensive albeit censored language, however you will also find the truth and the inner thoughts of a man who has come to terms with and is at peace with his past circumstance.

Looking back I can only say that it was probably fueled by the pent up anger I had inside at being so far away from my family so close to the holiday season and being angry that I couldn’t come home then for fear of being penalized the next tax season thereby negating the whole reason for going overseas in the first place. In short I felt trapped and that made me a bit perturbed:


11-13-09 9:56 pm

Thought I’d start a new blog entry called, “Son of a -----.” A title that came to me when thinking of my mother (incubator) and how even after 35 years no word or even a letter. I wonder if she even thinks of me. What of my birthday… does she remember? Does she think about that day? How could someone walk out on a child like that? Questions that arise are, “was I that undesirable? Was I an ugly or a mean child, did I have some unredeemable characteristic about me?"

I have heard that when asked if she kept in contact with us (my sister and I) she made a statement to the effect of, “I don’t have any other children” or “I have my real children.”

What did I do to garner such treatment, such rejection? In what ways did I not measure up as an ideal son?  Did I stink?

When I was young I didn’t think about it much. Perhaps it was because I had so many other things to worry about or maybe it was some kind of defense mechanism. As an adult I’m pissed off because I feel cheated, I feel short changed, I feel that in a lot of ways her desertion has handicapped me. For this cause she is a b****, in the worst sense of the word. For this cause I despise what she has done, for how she f***** me up and left me to fend for myself. For not protecting me from all the sh**** things that happened and for giving that motherly love and affection to another family and starving me of it.

Maybe I become aware of it when I see movies that portray women who would go to the ends of the earth to fight for their children and how I longed for that and how wearying it was to be my own comforter.

The darkest part of me wants to spit in her face and scream, “F*** YOU Chong Cha Kong!!!!”... but then the emotional storm settles and the dust clears as I see the faces of my son and daughter and my wife (who’s love and steadfastness has been a ballast for us during the worst of times) and I wonder, “what if…?”

…what if the ***** had aborted me?

…or

…what if she had been in my life and been that loving mother to me? Would I have been in Veterans Memorial Park that Friday night (which as it turns out was the Friday prior to
Mothers Day that Sunday… as I hear Alanis Morrisette singing in my mind… “Isn’t it ironic…”) in the month of May to hear the hope of the gospel? Would I have even felt the need to respond? I certainly wouldn’t have met my wife in the church and I would not have had the pleasure of raising my beloved son and my beautiful daughter nor would I have been privileged enough to hear any one of them spontaneously say with the heartfelt sincerity that they do, “daddy/honey, I love you.” Would I even have the privilege to know the love, redemption and forgiveness of a Savior who measures the heavens in a span and holds the waters in the hollow of His hand?

Because of this I had to reexamine my view of Ms. Kong and at least be grateful that she carried me to full term, delivered me and then stepped out of the way.

I don’t know what all went down for her to cut us loose all those years ago, I don’t have that perspective but the question that still lingers is… will I ever get to know her? I don’t know and I doubt that she has another 35 years left to wait, however I am here and will be here… where are you “mom”?