My own enemy...

Mystified, stymied, confused and wearied. The white flag is in my hand by my side, how badly I want it to wave... if not for them.

Gifted with a curse, cursed with a gift, how easy it is to lose sight, to drift, to just let go in a moment of insanity, how easy...

Misunderstood, looked at as a monster, I intimidate I suppose.

Embraced by a few and that is sad, that hurts.

Can't you see the longing to be a part, behind the walls I've built around my heart, mortared in with the fear of rejection?

I suppose the weirdo I will be, as they constantly say to me, I'll retreat to my cave once again... I am my own worst enemy,

I am my own worst enemy...

Current state of mind...

Originally penned 7/28/10

For some reason I am feeling a bit depressed. Actually that is an understatement, thoughts of suicide once again and quite frequently have been tip-toeing through my  consciousness like an uninvited party crasher.  I would love for it to be accurate in saying that depression is to me what Pauls' thorn was to him but I cannot, I can't even begin to say that I have an abundance of revelation or the intellect, capacity and depth that the Apostle Paul had. I guess then what I am left with is the explanation of being a normal guy with an abnormal malady.

I think the source of it this time around is the fact that I don't have a regular full-time job. This is beggining to make me feel like I am defective. I've heard that success and the degree to which a man provides for his family is a source of strength and Identity. If this be the so, then my reserves are ebbing and I am feeling rather crappy.

Emotions are so hard to deal with, if I act happy when I don't feel it I begin to then feel like a hypocrite. However I feel like a faithless, weak and therefore worthless man when I don't "man up" and wrest control of my emotions.

I am beginning to suspect that this is having a wearying effect on my wife as well. I wonder what it's like from her perspective? I wonder how she sees me when I am like this, I wonder if she, if in a measure begins to a the very least lose a modicum of respect for me? I've heard it said that respect is a prerequisite or factor to love and admiration in a spouse.  How must I act then in times like these? Really the only reason to live is for her and my children, at times like these I could care less  for myself.  Matter of fact if it weren't for her and the kids I would probably make an atttempt at it (at least that's my current state of mind)

I personally believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is a purpose for everything, good and bad but seriously I'm beginning to wonder what is the purpose for these feelings? I've recently aquired a book which is helping me to see the positive purpose for which melancholy can be wrested. It's titled "Lincoln's Melancholy" and it is very enlightening as to what Lincoln personally wrestled with and the gracious, dignified way with which he lived with it.

Anyway, this too shall pass I'm sure. Just another wave that I need to ride out as usual and then evaluate the A.A.R and make my adjustments.

I'll be alright...