Originally penned 7/28/10
For some reason I am feeling a bit depressed. Actually that is an understatement, thoughts of suicide once again and quite frequently have been tip-toeing through my consciousness like an uninvited party crasher. I would love for it to be accurate in saying that depression is to me what Pauls' thorn was to him but I cannot, I can't even begin to say that I have an abundance of revelation or the intellect, capacity and depth that the Apostle Paul had. I guess then what I am left with is the explanation of being a normal guy with an abnormal malady.
I think the source of it this time around is the fact that I don't have a regular full-time job. This is beggining to make me feel like I am defective. I've heard that success and the degree to which a man provides for his family is a source of strength and Identity. If this be the so, then my reserves are ebbing and I am feeling rather crappy.Emotions are so hard to deal with, if I act happy when I don't feel it I begin to then feel like a hypocrite. However I feel like a faithless, weak and therefore worthless man when I don't "man up" and wrest control of my emotions.
I am beginning to suspect that this is having a wearying effect on my wife as well. I wonder what it's like from her perspective? I wonder how she sees me when I am like this, I wonder if she, if in a measure begins to a the very least lose a modicum of respect for me? I've heard it said that respect is a prerequisite or factor to love and admiration in a spouse. How must I act then in times like these? Really the only reason to live is for her and my children, at times like these I could care less for myself. Matter of fact if it weren't for her and the kids I would probably make an atttempt at it (at least that's my current state of mind)
I personally believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is a purpose for everything, good and bad but seriously I'm beginning to wonder what is the purpose for these feelings? I've recently aquired a book which is helping me to see the positive purpose for which melancholy can be wrested. It's titled "Lincoln's Melancholy" and it is very enlightening as to what Lincoln personally wrestled with and the gracious, dignified way with which he lived with it.
Anyway, this too shall pass I'm sure. Just another wave that I need to ride out as usual and then evaluate the A.A.R and make my adjustments.
I'll be alright...
You are in my thoughts and prayers Ken - the world is a brighter place because you are in it, don't ever take that light away!
ReplyDeleteThanks Shawna, it warms my heart to know that. 'It was one of those days you know? Preciate' it. :^D
ReplyDeleteWOW!! I hope the desire to repost this does not mean that those thoughts have returned. My brother has suffered from depression from time to time, and found himself deep within the pit a little over a year ago. After several shaky weeks and much prayer he is leading an excellent life... for Jesus, nonetheless. You have now landed yourself at the top of my prayer list... maybe this is why we have been brought together as bloggy friends;) Intercession is a great gift the LORD has given, and I intend to use it!! That lil bastard... you know... the devil. HE IS A LIAR!!! Don't listen to him! He doesn't want your family, your job, or your money... he wants your joy. DO NOT HAND IT OVER TO HIM!!! Be blessed... in the Mighty Powerful Name of JESUS!!!
ReplyDeleteI hear you on that Candice. Actually I was feeling this a couple of months ago, I am fine now, I am beggining to get a good bead on his (satans') tactics in this regard. I posted it because it was sitting in my posts as a draft collecting dust. I penned it because I find that when I get my feelings out where I can see and analyze them it helps to put things in proper perspective... Prayer is always welcome, thank you, I do believe this is something that will be with me for the rest of my life however each time is just an occasion for me to grow stronger. :^)
ReplyDeletelet me interject to a young man who the world has evaluated his worth towards his working status this is a word from the woman of God donot donot allow the world to evaluate your worth there has been a gift you have been avoiding to venture into because you think it is of no value however, I am telling you to let your gift go before you and proform that gift no matter who looks funny at you or who may rudicule you establish that gift that is inside of your and God promises once you start working on that gift or talent he has instilled in you your monetary will come...donot allow the pressures of this world overcome how valueable you are to this world..your purpose is in your gift take your mind off of what you see and tap into your spiritual gift and talent God has stored inside of you.....trust in the lord and lean not to your own understanding he hears you however, you need to aak 2 be strengthen in your purpose.....I followed you which is divine appointment chk out my blog http://apps.facebook.com/blognetworks/blog/the_thinker/
ReplyDeleteYes Maam Ms. Gunn! :^)
ReplyDeleteKenneth, thanks so much for sharing and being 'damaged goods' myself, it's nice not to be looked down on. Blessings - Dora
ReplyDeletehttp://peacefrompieces.blogspot.com/
Dora, thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Though we are damaged goods, we keep good company...
ReplyDeleteII Cor 12:9 "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
Damaged Goods and proud of it :^)