A New Day

It's the dawn of a new day at camp

And in the dim light of the morning

I can hear the coyotes howl

And I can hear the birds sing

I can hear the hoot of the owl

And the silent breeze go by

Creating a delightful chorus of drifting music

That enlivens me inside

I see the golden rim of the sun

Slowly, slowly rising

And I greatly wish for it to show

So that it may shine its radiance upon

This earth once again

I feel the rush of the wind
As this beautiful nature enchants me
And I listen...
I listen to the wilderness sounds
Then suddenly silence settles in

Behold, the great ball of fire

Appears from beyond the mountains
And Earth's magnificent beauty is finally revealed

Then giving me the strength

To begin a new day

At last, I am off on my auburn horse

I am free once again

To ride over endless desert

Back to my home again

Written By Anessa Cherisse Johnson 10/31/2010

Current state of mind...

Originally penned 7/28/10

For some reason I am feeling a bit depressed. Actually that is an understatement, thoughts of suicide once again and quite frequently have been tip-toeing through my  consciousness like an uninvited party crasher.  I would love for it to be accurate in saying that depression is to me what Pauls' thorn was to him but I cannot, I can't even begin to say that I have an abundance of revelation or the intellect, capacity and depth that the Apostle Paul had. I guess then what I am left with is the explanation of being a normal guy with an abnormal malady.

I think the source of it this time around is the fact that I don't have a regular full-time job. This is beggining to make me feel like I am defective. I've heard that success and the degree to which a man provides for his family is a source of strength and Identity. If this be the so, then my reserves are ebbing and I am feeling rather crappy.

Emotions are so hard to deal with, if I act happy when I don't feel it I begin to then feel like a hypocrite. However I feel like a faithless, weak and therefore worthless man when I don't "man up" and wrest control of my emotions.

I am beginning to suspect that this is having a wearying effect on my wife as well. I wonder what it's like from her perspective? I wonder how she sees me when I am like this, I wonder if she, if in a measure begins to a the very least lose a modicum of respect for me? I've heard it said that respect is a prerequisite or factor to love and admiration in a spouse.  How must I act then in times like these? Really the only reason to live is for her and my children, at times like these I could care less  for myself.  Matter of fact if it weren't for her and the kids I would probably make an atttempt at it (at least that's my current state of mind)

I personally believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is a purpose for everything, good and bad but seriously I'm beginning to wonder what is the purpose for these feelings? I've recently aquired a book which is helping me to see the positive purpose for which melancholy can be wrested. It's titled "Lincoln's Melancholy" and it is very enlightening as to what Lincoln personally wrestled with and the gracious, dignified way with which he lived with it.

Anyway, this too shall pass I'm sure. Just another wave that I need to ride out as usual and then evaluate the A.A.R and make my adjustments.

I'll be alright...