Son of a B----?

As I type this, 35 years ago I would’ve been 15 minutes old. The doctors would’ve been cleaning me up and the nurses would be hovering over me doing their job. Soon I will be brought to my mother all wrapped up and she probably held me and looked at me lovingly… perhaps, I don’t know, I don’t remember.

What I do know is that after 35 years I still don’t know the woman, I’ve never had a face to face encounter with her that I can recall and I’ve never ever received a birthday card, phone call or even a post card saying I’m here in so and so having a great life without you.

Anyway this is my journal entry as it was written in its purest, uncut, unadulterated form. In it you will find crass, rude and perhaps very offensive albeit censored language, however you will also find the truth and the inner thoughts of a man who has come to terms with and is at peace with his past circumstance.

Looking back I can only say that it was probably fueled by the pent up anger I had inside at being so far away from my family so close to the holiday season and being angry that I couldn’t come home then for fear of being penalized the next tax season thereby negating the whole reason for going overseas in the first place. In short I felt trapped and that made me a bit perturbed:


11-13-09 9:56 pm

Thought I’d start a new blog entry called, “Son of a -----.” A title that came to me when thinking of my mother (incubator) and how even after 35 years no word or even a letter. I wonder if she even thinks of me. What of my birthday… does she remember? Does she think about that day? How could someone walk out on a child like that? Questions that arise are, “was I that undesirable? Was I an ugly or a mean child, did I have some unredeemable characteristic about me?"

I have heard that when asked if she kept in contact with us (my sister and I) she made a statement to the effect of, “I don’t have any other children” or “I have my real children.”

What did I do to garner such treatment, such rejection? In what ways did I not measure up as an ideal son?  Did I stink?

When I was young I didn’t think about it much. Perhaps it was because I had so many other things to worry about or maybe it was some kind of defense mechanism. As an adult I’m pissed off because I feel cheated, I feel short changed, I feel that in a lot of ways her desertion has handicapped me. For this cause she is a b****, in the worst sense of the word. For this cause I despise what she has done, for how she f***** me up and left me to fend for myself. For not protecting me from all the sh**** things that happened and for giving that motherly love and affection to another family and starving me of it.

Maybe I become aware of it when I see movies that portray women who would go to the ends of the earth to fight for their children and how I longed for that and how wearying it was to be my own comforter.

The darkest part of me wants to spit in her face and scream, “F*** YOU Chong Cha Kong!!!!”... but then the emotional storm settles and the dust clears as I see the faces of my son and daughter and my wife (who’s love and steadfastness has been a ballast for us during the worst of times) and I wonder, “what if…?”

…what if the ***** had aborted me?

…or

…what if she had been in my life and been that loving mother to me? Would I have been in Veterans Memorial Park that Friday night (which as it turns out was the Friday prior to
Mothers Day that Sunday… as I hear Alanis Morrisette singing in my mind… “Isn’t it ironic…”) in the month of May to hear the hope of the gospel? Would I have even felt the need to respond? I certainly wouldn’t have met my wife in the church and I would not have had the pleasure of raising my beloved son and my beautiful daughter nor would I have been privileged enough to hear any one of them spontaneously say with the heartfelt sincerity that they do, “daddy/honey, I love you.” Would I even have the privilege to know the love, redemption and forgiveness of a Savior who measures the heavens in a span and holds the waters in the hollow of His hand?

Because of this I had to reexamine my view of Ms. Kong and at least be grateful that she carried me to full term, delivered me and then stepped out of the way.

I don’t know what all went down for her to cut us loose all those years ago, I don’t have that perspective but the question that still lingers is… will I ever get to know her? I don’t know and I doubt that she has another 35 years left to wait, however I am here and will be here… where are you “mom”?

I know you are but Who am I?

Originally posted 12/02/08 on my myspace blog:

Well I now know what God's will is for my life, at least in part... going to Iraq. I'll be leaving to Houston for processing in a scant 12 days. To be honest I feel a peace about it and am sure the time will fly by quickly. I don't know what to expect but I'm not afraid, I feel as though God is going to do something awesome in me and my family while I'm there.

My family seems to be at peace about it though I think the reality of me being gone is starting to set in on my son. God I love that boy, he has a gentle and wise soul and he's my son. I don't think it will set in on my daughter until I walk down that long hallway to the boarding gates. My wife naturally will feel it most, I can imagine the loneliness she will feel as will I.

I am excited about the opportunity though, the opportunity to provide for my family and to change careers into something that isn't as recession prone as construction is now.

I no longer feel like a complete failure and loser. Starting a venture with no capital or clearly defined business plan is utter foolishness. The depression at times was getting really difficult to handle and often I would be troubled at the creeping feelings of despair and hopelessness coupled with being burnt out all the time. It brought me to a point of contemplating what it would be like if I was no longer around, even wondering ( and this now seems so crazy ) if everyone would be better off without me. I hadn't felt that way and to that degree since I was a teenager, since before salvation.

To keep those feelings from gaining a foothold I'd imagine how it would affect my wife and kids, how it would ruin their lives and leave a scar forever, how it would affect even my children's children... ( shudder...) Thank God for good friends and family, specifically mom ( Rae ) and my brother from another mother J-dub aka jumpin-j, Jon Woodard and His wife Elizabeth... love and respect. In many ways (though I've never told him ) he's like the big brother I never had and he never lorded it over me ( though I suspect if he had known he woulda... chump...) And thank God for my big sister Angelia, recently she's played the role of a type of Joseph to my family and I... (much love to ya big sis mwaaaah...)

The upside to all of this is that I learned some very valuable lessons about life, business and about my God... sheesh He really loves me. I once heard someone put it like this, " we serve a God who in His love for us cannot do enough for us and is not content to leave us where He found us..." This concept ( reality really ) began to dawn on me once more like a warm sunrise on a brisk morning. At times in my walk I was so sure of it, then life and circumstances seemed to erode it away. He then in total love and grace stepped in and in His own subtle way tailor made for me, reminded me of it once more. It occured to me again that He is not intimidated by my flaws, questions or even gripes and complaints nor my strayings and rebellions, He is God, He's bigger than all of that, in short He has more class than that to be offended at me for such trivial things and to write me off. If only I could extend the same courtesy to others.

I suspect I'm not the only one who feels this way and wonders the same. It reminds me of a lyric, "although the names change, inside we're all the same. Why can't we tear down the walls and show the scars we're covering?" Transparency, or as the bible puts it, "and they were both naked, the man and his wife and were not ashamed..." what a way to live eh?

 Why is it so hard to get past pains, sins and failings??? It's almost like they are stuck to me like super glue, yet the times of victory, unselfish deeds and accomplishments have such weak staying power. I'm reminded of something I was wondering at when talking to my father. I pointed out to him that I could recall at will every pornographic picture, video or even liturature I came across as a child, preteen and teenager with complete clarity yet find it difficult to conjure up any given Algebra or even basic arithmetic equation learned at the same time with any level of accuracy or lack thereof. It's like I have a tendency to retain the negative... almost like a default. THANK THE LORD JESUS CHRIST FOR MY WIFE, I'm amazed at times at her love for me... I certainly wouldn't love me. I wonder sometimes if God rolls His eyes and lets out a kind of frustrated sigh when I go into the litany of reasons why it should be hard for Him to love me. As if to say, " here we go again already, sheeesh..."

Remember as children when trying to minimize a bit of name calling directed at us we would say,"I know you are but what am I?" I think God at times says something similar to us but in rhetorical question form... "I know you are but who am I?!?" When like Moses and Jeremiah I feel unworthy and inadequate and rattle off, " I am slow of speech... who am I? I'm but a youth..." God says, "I know you are but who am I?" Or when I feel like such a failure like Peter, God says," I know you are but who am I?" Or when I realize how unclean I am as Isaiah and say "I am a man of unclean lips..." He responds " I know who you are but who am I?" Am I not your strength in weakness? Am I not your righteousness? When I question His ability and willingness to protect and bring me through the wilderness He asks, "Am I not the God who brought the plagues upon Egypt? Am I not the God who followed you through the desert as a pillar of cloud by day and of fire by night? Am I not the God who brought water from a rock and who parted the Red Sea? Am I still the God who is your strong tower? I know you faults and I know your failings yet like Jeremiah I knew you before you were concieved in your mothers womb and have, am and will still call you by your name... fear not for I have redeemed thee I have called thee by thy name, thou art mine. I choose you, I claim you even if you are left unclaimed by others... I proclaim myself to be your God, your Father, your Savior, your Helper, Empowerer and Teacher. I am He who measures the heavens in a span and the waters in the hollow of My hand. ISA 40:12 who gives power to the weak and strength to them who have no might ISA40:29 I am he who promised to never leave you nor forsake you, not even until the end of the earth. HEB 13:5 I am He who declares that I would hold you in my hand and work in your life and dares anyone to try to stop it. ISA 43:13 I am He who calls you friend. JN 15:15 I am still He who carries the smoking furnace and burning lamp through the sacrifices GEN 15:17 saying,"so let what has happened to these animals happen also to me if I fail to uphold my word. JER 34: 18... I know who you are, who you have been and who you will be, but this is who I AM.

What more can be said other than what He says about Himself? What a comfort, what a deal. This is the source of my (our) peace. This is the awesome God we serve...

Consider this:
Only when we realize who we are ( transparency ), can we then look up and realize who He is. This will begin to change us from what we are into who He wants us to be...

This just hit me last night as I was falling asleep, it's not about us or what we can do, generate or accomplish, it's about what He has accomplished already for us on the cross or as Max Lucado puts it in the title of his book, what He has done, generated and accomplished "Six hours one friday" (a very good read by the way). I oft would wonder if this is why God is so pleased at faith. Think on it, there is no merit to the one who decides on faith, no effort... but another thing can be said of the One to whom is the object of that faith, in other words faith completely removes us (the faithors) out of the equation and in a way dethrones us and enthrones God. Faith in HIS goodness, Faith in HIS righteousnes, Faith in HIS faithfulness and my coming to terms with that like the men and women of the book of Hebrews or the Syropheonician woman who basically said,"I know I'm a dog, not of covenant but I also know who you are (My God and creator still) and as such you, with all due respect have some obligations to me and my child.." Or like the woman with the issue of blood who thought,"I know I am in sin by breaking the Mosaic law being out here amongst these people in an unclean state, but somehow I know that He is gracious and I know that He is kind and if I could just touch Him...

Faith simply...Simply faith, a dogged determination to hold on to Him, to who He says He is and what He says regarding us in spite of the circumstances, accusations and present "facts" that surround us and even in spite of who we presently are or have been...

Peace out for a little bit...

Ken